What a dreary day. The weather conditions outside are enough to make me take a big shit. I do feel a bit accomplished, however. I got to know Sigmund Freud a little better and finished up some statistics and LAN homework. In a minute I'll start up FFT and see if I can beat this impossibly hard boss. I had to resort to a walkthrough I found on the net to find some strategy to beat him, and even these strategies are out there! Square apparently didn't know what they were doing when they put just the main character up against a guy that can kill you in 2 turns. The popular strategy is to run and continuously up your speed by using Yell so that you have many consecutive turns. Then beat the crap out of him. One disadvantage I have is that I have it saved at a point at which I can't go to a shop to buy more gear, or try to level up more, unless I repeat a couple of previous battles. They weren't hard, my party is worth its salt and then some. I am level 37, which I think is a few levels above him, but he is a holy knight and uses those strong techniques that one of my "npc" party members can use. This npc character came into my party at some point during the game, and she is a powerful ally, used in almost every battle. I'm going to try this sissified strategy here shortly. If all else fails, it's back to the previous battles. Ah well, at least I know I can win...I'll just have to try to remember every move I made last time, lol.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the "right" track for me. Is what I am studying now really what I want to do the rest of my life? It may not be the rest of my life, either. People have been known to make career changes as they try to find a job they're happy with. I'll finish college and find some place to work, and we'll see how I do from there. If I don't act soon on some of these things, I'll be in trouble. I sure hate being a procrastinator sometimes, but its most present when I'm not disciplining myself, which is just my laziness. ::sigh:: It sucks admitting to your faults, but I think it's a good way to confront them and deal with them until you're satisfied with the way you are.
The deep psyche is not one to be rushed into, I think. In my experience, the farther back one goes, the more pain you are likely to encounter, which was finally revealed to me through reading Freud's work. It's another one of those things that you already know then read about, then actually REALIZE it. I don't know why I became fascinated in this area. Wait, yes I do. But why do I continue to try to figure out everything on a different level of thinking than when I used to? I guess it's the search for truth. I'm just looking for clues that may very well never come to me, but I have faith that they will. My faith in a lot of things has dwindled over the years, and sometimes when I think I know what the problem is, I doubt myself and wonder why something that I did should be considered wrong. (thinks of a filter song) There's some places that I'd never like to go back to, and I guess it's the fear that keeps us within our boundaries. The fear. They say that to overcome it, you must face it. I think this holds true for self confidence; believing in oneself. Well, it's almost 7:00 pm and I'm hungry and wanting to play some fft.
My last post was private, sorry you nosey bastards!! J/K, I enjoy people seeing most of what I'm going through, but some things are best left unsaid.
I suck at trying to talk to girls. There's this girl in my psychology class, maybe I mentioned her already, that I have an interest in. Last class I remember walking in and sitting down, not looking up. I figured that I'd sit in my usual spot. Then after I sat down, I noticed her (noted as Jennifer from here on) sitting across from me, but this time one seat closer to the middle aisle. I am also right next to the middle aisle on the other side, but her friend usually sat where she was sitting. I thought, "Hm, that's interesting." Then later on in class kicked myself for not sitting next to her once I realized that her friend, in fact, would not show up. Damn and i say damn again. The class before that, I was in the classroom before either of them. I met them as I was going to the b-room and told them where the classroom was, and her friend was sitting in front of me when I got back. I guess if I was sitting next to her it'd be a lot easier. I hope her friend drops that damn class, lol. That's mean but she's always in the way it seems. Maybe for a reason? Don't know but dammit I have to talk to her at some point.
I just feel so stupid looking at myself from the outside and thinking about how retarded I must sound when I talk. I feel like my nervousness is overcoming me and I wonder what I should've said instead. I'm too old to be like this, wtf is wrong with me?
This will change, just like everything in my life that I decide to change. If not now, then later as I make it a part of myself. I have the house to myself tonight, just like last night. Utterly quiet, except when the cats knock something over. I'd leave them outside but if they got lost I'd get blamed. Not sure how smart either of them is yet, but theyre both jumpy as hell. I love scaring the crap out of Bug when she's sniffing around the garage. All I have to do is scrape my foot on the ground to make her leap into the air, lol. Cheri observed not too long ago how Bug was a hunting type and Manyc was more just laying around. Then I thought about this and realized how closely that would relate to lions and lionesses. The lionesses hunt, while the males lay around. They're from the same family so it makes sense. Man, I really wish I never lost Midnight to whatever disease she got. I remember seeing bugs flying around her butt and something else, maybe it was the crust around her eyes. I guess I was too young to understand that she needed to go to the doctor, but my parents knew something was wrong, they just never brought her to the vet. She was found dead in our neighbor's yard. I think for a while I was thinking that she was getting better, so it was a shock to me. It really sucked. Then me and John found Socks on that log in Kennedy Park. I always think about that moment, as if it was some symbol in my life, I guess since he's black and white like a yin~yang.
I over-analyze way too much these days, and it seems to hamper me sometimes. My concentration seems like it's getting worse, since I like to daydream. It's gettin late so I'll turn in. Show's over, go home.
Needless to say, I had totally forgotten that I had posted thos elast two posts the next day, until I read a comment on one of them. I still haven't read through it all just yet, but maybe my ramblings will be of some use. Tonight we had but one cook, so we had to shut down till we got caught up. Oh freakin well, not my money. Someone needs to get shit straight around there because I'm tired of dealing with the attitudes. I've been wondering if Domino's there on Yale needs any help...
School's still good. I hope I did well on my first statistics test. We're going pretty slowly, I guess because this class meets three times a week so it's hard to get much into one class.
I'll need to now mention something about my emotions that I should've a long time ago. Why am I not letting them out as much as I should? My personality has changed over the years, slowly and seemingly on a downslope. I'm not as outgoing as I was, sometimes I just can't stand being around people. I should also admit to being a lone wolf for most of my life anyway, so that probably has something to do with it. Damn computer games and Nintendo kept me inside for a good portion of my younger years, and of course I still enjoy them since I have for so long. Looking at myself from the outside, I can tell that I used to have more fun and enjoyed being goofy sometimes. So what happened? I got older, I guess, and realized a few truths about me and certain family members. I'll not mention anything here as of yet, though.
I guess I'll play some worms now, and turn in shortly. Peace love and shite.
Well my mom has gone looking for John, who left a while ago. I'm left here w/ Chasity. I don't know how much of the wine she had, but it was enough to remind her of what mattered I guess. After I read tonight's posts it'll be like a big bad dream. Darlin when I hold u, don't u know I feel the same. Been through this such a long, long time tryin to kill the pain. We always go back to our roots to find ourselves. Always.
Sitting here listening to November Rain by GnR...Guess my last post reminded me of how much I like this song. I think it was written by Axle Rose after he divorced his wife. I could be wrong, but that's what I remember. The song fits it. "It's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain." I guess I'll recommend this to John...you have to realize the roots from which your music came from. Strangely, although he's at the movies, I miss his presence online. Weird. This song is quite sad, but it means a lot. Everybody needs some time on their own. Everybody needs some time, all alone. We relate to each other as human beings, though we still hide things from each other since we do not totally trust this other individual. A true uninhibited relationship resides on the fact that we do not hide anything. We show all that we are, and if there is something that really bothers the other person, they may try to help us with this.
It's funny that a band you hated when you were young is a band you admire once you're older. It may be one or two songs that you like about the band, but it's enpough to get u by. My eyelid is twitching. I remember thinking that it was because of some bug that my mom had talked about that was on our eyelids. Maybe a dust mite or something like that. What have I been reduced to? The reduction is made by myself. Confidence. Anyone trusts confidence. You show no fear and people move aside. This can be an easy facade. We will find a way. GnR...moving back to the roots. There are certain things that remind me of certain things in my memory but don't make sense until later. I hope John appreciates old rock as I do, since that is where new rock sprouted from. Listen, you'll hear it. All songs will seem to be about the same thing when you're enlightened.
Phew...I've been drinking wine tonight. It's helped me see a few things. There's a difference between beer and wine drunk. Wine lets you see a few things. Maybe since it's from the vine? I dunno. The rest is a string of characters. Nothinlasts foreveaandwebothknoheartscanchanveanditshardtoholdacandleinthecoldnovemeb errain. Just trying to kill the pain. oghhh mine. darlin dont be fraid.
Drunk. That's all. Drunk on wine and why? I've got plenty of things to occupy my time but why do I do this? I'm trying to escape what's here. My family has nothing to do with it. It's the state of the world. Often times I've wonmdered if this world is ready for me. Are you ready to submit to a position of vulnerablity? Do you people just follow whatever you're told, and acccept the fact that you're all sheep? Stop! I've built myself from the ground up, IT IS POSSIBLE. Go speed racer. go! Ok tsat last comment waS A BIT MUCH but u know what i mean. Let's create a new society, based on ...what will we base this on? What are people best based upon>? Their trustworthiness? Their strength? What?
phew............ok. That was a blast. I have not yet read or understood what I have typed but I will submit this, in a drunken stupor, as a journal post.
If anything be remembered, let it be the first thing I experienced as a psychonaut:
PS: most typos have been submitted as a natural occurence.
I usually try my best to not admit I'm addicted to something, but it never happens. Sometimes I just let temptation overcome me, to challenge me once again and see how far down I can go this time. Then it's back to the normal way of things after a long struggle. It happens this way, you know? I always try to help it never happen again, but it does. Things get boring after awhile, you want a change, and you don't know where to turn exactly.
People suffer throughout their entire lives, whether it be physical or emotional stress. Most of us will continue on after bad things happen, because we make ourselves get over it. There's some need to carry on, even when death is imminent. What is it that gives us the strength to not just give up? They are the things held dearest by us. We use ideas that have been used for so long because they work. If we feel we will be rewarded when we die if we do good here, then we can be more content to make the most of our time here. We all need things to keep us happy, reasons to continue living.
Everyone seems to undergo some eventual self-actualization, and they realize what they'll probably be doing the rest of their lives. Where will I be in a couple of decades from now? Hopefully in a better place. We all try to make this life as enjoyable as possible. Sometimes I wish I could just live out my dreams and have everything happen the way I want it to. This would be my perfect world where i reign supreme. But, then there's reality. In order to achieve what I want, I'll have to remain here. But will any of these accomplishments matter after all is said and done?
Well, I'm getting a little more interested lately in the workings of networking. Unix/Linux seems like an easy enough to understand interface, it's just knowing HOW to use it. There more you know about some operating system, of course, the more you're going to be able to do. It seems like a lot of large companies use Unix/Linux. The annoying fact is that there are so many different versions; this software has been in the hands of many people, to include AT&T. It's such an old O/S though, that most quirks have been worked out, and when something does go wrong, a lot of people will be working to solve it. Netware I have yet to get into, I need some hands-on. We were supposed to be using it yesterday but for some reason the software was not loaded on our comps. I'm sure someone was bitched at for that.
I just looked at my wart, it almost seems to be getting better. Yes, I've had this ugly thing on my right hand for about a half a year, and it's really gettin on my nerves. I looked for wart medicine in Kroger's and even Walgreens and gave up. Where tha fuck am I gonna find it if it ain't in Walgreens? So I figured I'd try to keep from picking at it for awhile, and that seemed to help immensely. It's still there though. It's not really that noticeable, and I still wonder how I got it. No, you can't get warts from a frog. It's just some virus.
Hey ho what the dilly-o. Last night I watched a hilarious 3rd rock from the sun episode, I laughed my ass off. John Lithgow is a hilarious actor, I can't believe he's been on 3rd Rock for so long. He used to be strictly a movie actor. He's probably the reason the show is still on. Not to say that the other actors aren't any good, but he's my fav.
I may play a game of Worms right now before I go to work. Gah, work. I can hardly stand going in there anymore for some reason. If the people were a little less moody around there it'd sure help. Won't let it bring me down though.